A load of Stuff & Nonsense

Something new

2007-12-28T06:23:00.000-08:00

If anyone cares, I'm thinking of swapping over to Live Journal for my blogs..... it seems easier to use and looks nicer.

http://darkangel-uk.livejournal.com/

Let me know what you think.....

Well, that's over for another year then...

2007-12-27T10:00:00.000-08:00

Morning, morning. Its 10.00 am so why is it still so dark that I need all the lights on? Uggh it's like night time..... glooooomy and BLAH. It's horrible. So in honour of this nasty, grey day, I fully intend to slob around for the entire day, doing nothing very much. So there.

I'm sure there's stuff to be done. I could clean something. I could do some washing. I could even go out into the Real World and spend some money. But I'm not going to. I'm gonna sit right here, watching tv, listening to music and thinking about finding homes for all the lovely new presents I received. Yay me!

So I hope everyone had a good Christmas. Mine was quiet but lovely, spent enjoying good food and the company of my lovely in-laws. I was thinking though, how I always have these big ideas about what Christmas should've been about, and how it never happens.

I was a bit down when I thought everyone else was BOUND to have been having a far better, more exciting and fun time than me..... and then I read Spunky's blog. OMG that girl has had the worst few weeks ever! I'm feeling a little more grateful for living in an uneventful part of the UK now after reading that a member of her family was car-jacked at gunpoint. Ok she DOES live in the USA, but even so. You shouldn't have to put up with that.

So I just wanted to say poor Spunky. She deserves a big hug and a magic wand to fix her broken ankle. If I had one hun, it would be yours!

What Santa brought me....

2007-12-25T12:15:00.000-08:00

HAPPY CHRISTMAS!!!

Ok so despite constant rumours that I'm a bad girl, I must have done SOMETHING right this year cos Santa was extra kind to me. I had some FAB stuff.... and only a few slightly dubious things.

I also got some very good pictures of the one member of the Evil Duo on Serious Cat Business, ie single handedly destroying the Christmas decorations..... as you can see, she doesn't just concentrate on one thing. Oh no. She tried everything!

'hai - yr bauble needs work... *swipe*'

'I can haz slipperz?'

'I is n yr bags stealin yr prezents'

'Wasn't me.....'

'scuse pleaze - cat biznizz'

So the goodie haul went like this:

Extra slim hair straighteners for maintaining uber-funky hair style; veh nice black, leather purse; perfume x 2, one of which is called Alien!; lovely purple necklace and earrings; season 1 24 on DVD so I can sit for hours admiring the lovely Jack Bauer save the world, but sadly not his wife; cool purple bucket type thing for the garden, plus other useful gardening equipment from lil' sister; old-lady slippers which are SO comfortable and warm and totally fab; 5 new books in the fantasy/vampire genre; Bruce's new album; PAC MAN game for the TV which I am soooo bad at but which is still a great game despite it's great age; super-soft black, leather gloves; new scarf; Simpsons Scrabble (WOOOT); gorgeous lounging PJs in a dark purpley colour; assorted smellies and a box of the BEST sweeties ever which i am currently hiding cos I don't want to share them with anyone!

Quote of the day

BH: very loud belch followed by the infamous word from that Police song

Whole room looks round....

FLB in fascinated amusement "Did you just BURP Roxanne??"

BH: "yes... you can get part of the next line sometimes too" (followed by hysterical giggling from both him and me)

Me: "You know what's sad, I didn't even notice he does it so often"

FLB: "that is excellent"

More laughing

*sigh* Why DOES wind always cause such hilarity??

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Merry Chrismas!

2007-12-24T19:45:00.000-08:00

Yay! It's Christmas Eve, I'm watching A Christmas Carol and drinking snowballs..... Life is good.

WOOOOOHOOOOO!!!

Have a great time tomorrow everyone!!

Christmas Madness

2007-12-23T17:30:00.000-08:00

Or more accurately, the kind of madness that ensues in Supermarkets 2 days before Christmas. OH MY GOD. What is WRONG with people? You'd think they were buying for a Nuclear Winter the amount of food some people had!!

We went to Sainsburys this morning, to get food & bits for Boxing Day and it was absolute bedlam. We got there are just gone 10.30, when the store officially opened. The car park was already rammed, with hardly any spaces and lots of circling cars, looking for the ellusive space, right by the door.

On entering the store, Beloved Husband and I rapidly started losing the will to live. There were people EVERYWHERE. They had trolleys piled high with stuff. Some people had two trolleys each. And they just abandoned them in the middle of the bloody aisle! GAH. There were people racing up and down aisles, grabbing stuff of the shelf in a style reminiscent of Supermarket Sweep. Anyone would think they were preparing for a seige!!!

The vegetable aisles were like nothing on earth. It was like running a gauntlet of fire, zig-zagging past stressed out people, wielding root vegetables like deadly weapons. What that little old lady would have done with her leek is anyone's guess but it wasn't going to be pretty. There were so many people we just stood there for a few mins, totally overwhelmed and unable to think straight.

I forgot half the things I went for because I has hurried around the store by Beloved Husband with a face on him the likes I have rarely seen. He hates supermarkets at the best of times, but add Christmas in to the mix and it is SOOOO much worse.

We both got really narky with each other and I had to really bite my tongue a few times, deciding that a harmonious Christmas was better than a stand up row over whether prawn toast was a better buy than sausages wrapped in bacon. *sigh*

Somehow we managed to get round the whole store in less than 45 mins. The queues for the tills were already halfway round the shop when we got there and it had only been open half an hour! God alone knows what it will be like tomorrow. Absolute hell on earth.

I feel so sorry for the people working there. They really do not get paid enough! I think there would probably have been a fist fight over the turkeys and I am very grateful that we are going out for dinner and that I didn't have to go through THAT trauma today.

/me takes a very deep breath....... anyway, thank goodness that trial is over.....if we haven't got it now, it's tough. I'm sure we won't starve. And lets not forget that the shops are open again on Boxing Day.

I can't help but think that the whole country goes in a Christmas food frenzy. It's crazy. I just hope they all enjoy their piles of food and remember to cook the turkery properly or else there will be a very long queue in A&E on Christmas Day!!

On a brighter note, we had a card through the door today from our neighbours. Our Muslim neighbours. Very nice of them, but who knew Muslims did Christmas cards? It's a new one on me........ now we have the dilemma of whether to do them a card in return.... does it look like we just did them one because they did US one? Hmmmm could be a social faux pax coming up methinks.

I'm in a listing mood...

2007-12-20T11:13:00.000-08:00

Things I like about Christmas:

Spending time with family & friends
Not being at work
The food
The drink
The presents!
Watching the Evil Duo go mental chasing balled up paper and Christmas bows
The Muppet Christmas Carol
Marachino cherries – YUM
Fairy lights
Scampi dinner on Christmas Eve
Online shopping
Proper Christmas Carols
Playing silly games

Things I don’t like about Christmas:

Not being with my family
Shitty Christmas songs
Seeing decorations in shops at the end of October
The fact that me or someone close to me, always gets sick
Hangovers
Christmas shopping – NIGHTMARE
Writing my Christmas cards
The thought of January
Repeats on TV
Cliff Richard
Queuing up!Carol singers who cough out one line of We Wish you a Merry Christmas and expect £2 for it

So there!

All I want for Chrismas

2007-12-19T10:00:00.000-08:00

Guess what? The Grinch mode seems to have passed. YIPEE! I’m feeling a little less murderous today and I think I might even be starting to feel a little Christmassy. I think it’s because I’m on a countdown to the end of the week…. Even though I have to work on Christmas Eve, I know for a fact that I won’t actually DO anything and we’ll just spend the day chatting, eating mince pies and listening to the same 6 christmas songs over and over again… and it’s a good feeling.

So instead of whinging and grumping, I thought today I’d write down some of the things that make me happy! I’m hoping this list will be longer than the list of things that irritate me but obviously I can’t promise anything.

1. Angels – this morning I attended the local primary school Nativity and it was really, really NICE. The kids couldn’t sing, Mary dropped baby jesus on his head and the sheep kept picking his nose but despite all that it was a great way to spend an hour. My favourites moments were the itchy angels – a tinsel halo and wings must be really irritating – who were scratching so much they look like monkeys. Either that or they had headlice. But the star of the show was the child playing King Herod. He was about 6 years old I guess…. Quite small and very pale. He had to stand centre stage and sing his song. You could see him counting down for his cue and he was so focussed on getting the timing right that he completely forgot his words! Worry not tho, by the power of technology (an overhead projector) he was given a prompt and off he went. The beaming smile he gave when he’d finished and saw his mum waving at him was fantastic. Even me, with a heart of stone, felt a little bit mooshy. Bless him.

2. Sellotape – I found a solitary roll of tape lurking in a cupboard and for some reason, this really lifted my spirits. I know I’m sad, but hey, you have to take your pleasure where you find it. For me, Sellotape does it. Also, last night I got most of my wrapping done, including the oddly shaped one I’d been dreading. Getting it finished off has made me feel more in control and less like Christmas is just something that sneaks up on me.

3. A night out – or I should say, two nights out. Friday and Saturday night I shall be going out with friends and getting very merry indeed. If I had long hair, I’d be letting it down. There will be food consumed and copious amounts of alcohol imbibed. And there will be dancing, giggling and most of all, there will be fun times with good people. It’s been too long since I gyrated my goddess-like self around the dance floor and I’m really looking forward to it! So bring on the festive frolics!

4. Money – Beloved Husband just informed me that from January he will be receiving a payrise. WOOOOHOOO! I found this to be quite an interesting development as his job is due to expire in January…. But hey, as he says, ‘never say no to money’. Also I received my annual cost of living rise. It’s backdated from May… so I got an extra £300 this month. Not much when you spread it out over 7 months but £300 is £300. If nothing else it’ll pay for some goodies in the sales, probably a suit for all the interviews I plan on getting in the New Year.

5. Cards – I’ve had lots of cards this year, but a couple of really special ones have made me smile. The other day I had an unexpected one from a friend and that cheered me up loads… then today I was given a cute little card by my fave 2 year old, Charlie. I think he’d had some help writing it, but the signature was all his own work. He came wobbling over, dribbling and covered in snot, and proudly handed it over to me all on his own. I should have been horrified, but instead I was made up! It’s my best card and has pride of place in my little hutch.

6. Free gifts – a goody bag for renewing our CostCo cards! Totally unexpected but exciting nonetheless. Amongst the highlights were a box of chocolates, a small bottle of wine, and even a pair of socks for Beloved Husband. Can’t be bad eh? Free stuff is good stuff!

7. Freakishly large mince pies – said CostColady also brought in a tray of the largest mince pies I’ve ever seen. They are the size of dinner plates and very yummy! And the REALLY good thing is that no-one else seems to like mince pies so it’s looking good for me having most of them. What the hell, I can diet in the new year can’t !?

8. Sunshine – the weather has been awful for the last few weeks so to have a beautiful, crisp, sunny December day was lovely. Just being able to see the sun gave me a lift. Lets hope it stays awhile. I’m guessing a few people could benefit from it.

9. Friends – without whom I’d probably be in a padded cell by now. Everyone has been soooooo good this week, listening to me rant and moan, and giving appropriate advice and hugs. So thanks everyone. I really appreciate it. You’re wonderful and I count myself very lucky to have such fab people in my life.

10. Drugs – without which the cold I am suffering with would be unbearable. Praise be to Sudafed.

11. Online shopping – the person who invented online shopping needs a medal… I have done about 90% of my Christmas shopping online this year and it has saved my sanity. I just love it when lovely shiny new books, DVDs and CDs drop through my door. I’ve paid less for them AND haven’t had to queue up with the dross of society to purchase them! It’s fantastic!

12. Dan’s Christmas Song – this won’t mean much to some of you, but for those that have heard it, you KNOW what I mean when I say this should be on the CD!! Every time I hear it I just collapse laughing. Totally sums up the Christmas period for so many people… but despite the profanity and crudeness it still manages to be more festive than Mariah Carey! Bring it ON!!

Mrs Grumpypants

2007-12-18T17:25:00.000-08:00

I’m not in a very happy mood today. It seems that the nearer we get to Christmas this year, the more I hear about people either being ill or having a really tough time. Why does this stuff always happen at Christmas? Now, I know my complaints are minor compared to some people, but today they are just REALLY getting me down. I feel like I want to hide under the duvet and stay there til the spring.

So I no particular order, these are some of the things that are irritating me:

1. Our modem is playing up. It rolled on its back with its legs in the air last night and died on me. I was mid-way through a very amusing email to my friend at the time and was not best pleased. I have very little patience for things that don’t go my way and throwing a total tantrum, I decided to go to bed. It was 9.22 pm. Apparently it fixed itself a while later, but the potential for it to just konk out again is fairly high. This does not make me happy. If it dies completely over Christmas I swear I’ll top myself.

2. Not being able to sleep last night despite yawning so widely I thought I had a flip-top head. Even though I was in bed at 9.22 pm, I didn’t actually get to sleep until around midnight. That REALLY irritated me. I was TIRED for god’s sake. Why couldn’t I just go to sleep?? And then waking up at 5.45 am and not being able to go back to sleep because I couldn’t breathe. Consider me unimpressed

3. Having a cold – yes, I am snot-filled, bunged up and generally feeling BLAH. I am also being a worse patient than Beloved Husband who infected me with these germs and this is annoying me. He had the cold at the weekend and instead of dying from ‘Man Flu’ he was positively cheerful and in a really good mood. At one point I thought he had to be on drugs because that almost never happens. He IS Mr Grumpy. I am Mrs Happy. Usually. However today I just feel like stabbing something, or preferably someone (see no 4).

4. Having my job downgraded – I found out yesterday that lovely Cheshire County Council, my employers, have re-evaluated my job and decided that I need to earn less money. So although I have to perform the same tasks, I will effectively be getting paid less for the privilege of doing them. I don’t earn a kings ransom as it is, but I do enjoy it and had no particular plans to leave. They have sugar coated the news by informing me that my salary is protected for 3 years, but after that it’s put up with it or get out. The whole thing stinks and I am currently feeling very unhappy and mutinous. I shall be updating my CV, shining my silver cup, and looking for a new job as soon as I can in 2008.

5. Receiving a patronising email from my boss’s boss congratulating me on my recent Award, despite ‘all the changes that are taking place’. The fact that she knew about my downgrading probably months ago REALLY pisses me off!! I was tempted to reply to her email with a few carefully chosen words, but decided that probably wasn’t the best way to go if I need a reference from her.

6. Getting up this morning to find that our kettle has developed a leak and that all the water and dribbled out onto the counter, down the cupboards and all over the kitchen floor. At first glance I assumed that the Evil Duo had decided to use an ever-more inventive place as their lavatory, but the sniff test proved this to be – thankfully – incorrect. However, it now means that we’ll have to get a new kettle *sigh* and that my expensive, glow-in-the-dark blue and red lighty up one has gone to the great Kettle Maker in the Sky. For some reason that made me sad.

7. Christmas songs - I know for a fact that there are more than 6 Christmas songs in the world, so please could someone explain to me WHY I only ever hear the same ones???! It’s driving me mad. I hate Slade and if I hear sodding Mariah Carey one more time I will throw up! Come ON people – have some original thoughts and play some of the great little songs that no-one ever hears. Or failing that, all you songwriter people write some NEW songs…. My sanity is depending on you!

8. Christmas presents – ok so I ran out of sellotape and can’t finish wrapping everything that needs to be wrapped. And it’s bugging the hell out of me that I can’t even ‘borrow’ a roll from work because we’ve run out too! Beloved Husband said he’d find some at HIS office, but again came up empty handed. Although to be fair, he did offer me Post-It notes instead. Yeah, I’m sure everyone would love their gifts held together with little yellow squares! Not. So for the first time in I don’t know how many years, I am going to be forced to PURCHASE a roll of tape. And for some reason, that is REALLY irritating me!!

So that’s my rant for the day. Like I said, in the grand scheme of things, these irksome events are pretty minor. I have a job (or sorts), I have a roof over my head, food to eat and my family are all fit and mostly healthy. Does that make me feel better? No it does not.

So just for today I’m going to wallow in my grumpiness and let myself whinge and mutter and generally be a grinch. I figure I'm entitled.

Hopefully by the time Christmas Day rolls around I will be back to my usual, happy, slightly crazy state. If not, there is always alcohol and chocolate.

Things you seldom see

2007-12-11T20:20:00.000-08:00

When it eventually got light this morning, there was a beautiful, pink and orange sunrise. The clouds looked beautiful and it was really quite spectacular. For a Tuesday morning it was pretty cool. I fully intended taking a picture of it with my phone so I could share it with everyone, but by the time I'd bimbled around making my lunch and wrangling the cats it had gone. *sigh*. I obviously need to be more spontaneous and carry my camera with me at all times.

Also, it's December. We all know this. And this morning it was bloody FREEZING. We had frost. Icy windscreens. The whole works. So not only was my bus late, presumably because some numpty forgot to put de-icer in the 'fleet', but I had to watch as people drove past me hunched over their steering wheels, peering through the tiny hole in the ice that they begrudgingly created. This should not be allowed. It can't be in anyway safe and I'm pretty sure is not part of the Highway Code.

Which brings me neatly to the Thing You Seldom See..... on walking up the road to work, I saw a man, in his PJs and slippers, scraping the ice from his windscreen. A slightly strange sight on it's own I think you'll agree. But the thing that really caught my attention was his implement of choice. He was scraping with a fish slice.

Maybe it's the area, but oh my god can you GET anymore pikey?! Dear god. Scrapers are not expensive. We had a free one at work and tomorrow I'm tempted to post it anonymously through his front door.

The Last Laugh....

2007-12-10T20:45:00.000-08:00

This post is for my lovely little sister, who was mortally wounded by my previous reference to her present wrapping skills (or lack of). For some reason I cannot fathom, she was OFFENDED by my post. Offended! I ask you. So Claire, if you're reading this, I am very, very sorry for saying your wrapping is rubbish. And if you want to know about being offended, go and read the Lovely SB's blog. She's got the monopoly on being offended about things this week! Don't piss her off - she's scary when she's annoyed!!!

So anyway. As I was saying. Wrapping presents. I'd just like to say, for the record, that Claire, this year you are going to have the last laugh. Because I bought you something at the weekend that has to be THE worst shaped item ever. I've never seen anything quite like it and I have absolutely no idea how to attempt it. So when you open it, please bear that in mind and don't hold it against me if I go for the soft option of a giant gift bag, or worse, attempt a solo wrapping with that cheap paper that you always stick your finger through!

It won't be pretty. But it's a cool present so I'm hoping you won't notice how badly it's wrapped. Oh and you can actually leave comments on this blog you know, rather than emailing me with your wrath!!!

Love you really :P

Festive Feline Follies

2007-12-10T20:30:00.000-08:00

Firstly, The Hughes Household is now decorated for the festive season. WOOT!

Beloved Husband and I put all the lovely, sparkly decorations up yesterday. There wasn't even a row this year. Normally we end up squabbling over something stupid like where Mr Hankey, the Christmas Poo is going to dangle or just how many sets of lights one can put up before the room resembles the outside of a Las Vegas casino.

This year, however, all went smoothly. All sets of lights miraculously still worked. All items were packed away properly last year and were easy to find and assemble. I even managed to NOT lose my temper when I pulled the box of christmas tree baubles out of the larger box containing the tree only to discover it had been put in upside down and woooosh..... bells, balls and berries all over the floor!

No, either my temper is calming down with old age or we just really couldn't be bothered to argue. I'm going with the age thing.

Anyways, after a near-tantrum with the tree lights - I put them on by starting at the bottom and working up, and then got annoyed because when I switched them on it looked horrible and I then had to spend 20 mins fiddling around and moving them so now the wires are all tangled up and I'll NEVER get them off in once piece - I now have a beautifully decorated, sparkly tree which makes me go OOOOOH when I look at it.

I love lights. Christmas lights are the BEST. In our one small living room I have *counts* 5 things that light up plus the potential for two more sets of lights if I can but summon up the enthusiasm to put them up. And so far all lightbulbs remain intact and uneaten.

For those of you who missed that bulletin, last year The Evil Duo ate their way through a double set of fairy lights. Without dying. This year, to foil their plans, I bought lights with solid, hard, plastic star covers. I DARE them to try and eat these!

So. Today is Day 1 of The Decorations. So far the feline crimes have been minimal although I did have to rescue my poor snowman from the clutches of one fur-baby this very evening. I caught Smokey, the brains of the outfit, with said snowman's hat clamped between her teeth as she tried to drag him off the hearth to an untimely death. I have the camera on permanent stand-by and next time she attempts it (and she will) I will be ready!

The second is a bauble-related act. I was getting something to eat earlier and I could hear the sound of The Evil Duo careening around the lounge and wrestling up and down the stairs. This is quite normal. It's when it goes quiet I worry. Quiet is not good.

Tonight everything fell silent and sure enough, when I came to investigate I heard this little 'tap, tap, tap, skisssh' noise and caught Tinker (not known for her intelligence - I mean, hello, I'm standing right here) batting one of my prized red fuzzy plums with her paws. Within seconds she had it off the tree and was kicking it around the floor. After I retrieved the plum from under the sofa and hoofed the cat up the backside, the other one, using the ruckus as a distraction, neaked up on the window sill and was quite happily wading through all the christmas cards, kicking them all over!

It could be worse though. And I'm sure it will. They do have previous after all. I shall of course, keep you posted.

Not the Oscars but......

2007-12-08T16:30:00.000-08:00

Ok so it wasn't the Oscars but I had a really good night on Tuesday. I got all dressed up, and even though I say so myself, I looked very bloody good indeed. My hair & make-up went perfectly, and my new skirt and top looked great together. In short, I felt a million dollars. I wouldn't know this of course, because my Beloved Husband, who was accompanying me, didn't make any comment on my gorgeousness at all. When prompted (ie 'so do I look ok then?') he said 'yes you look nice'. Nice? NICE?? He was supposed to say 'you look amazing and beautiful and I'm proud to be with you'. But no. I got 'you look NICE'. GAH. Men!! I ask you.

Of course the whole evening was rather badly organised but that didn't stop me enjoying myself. It was being held at the local Adult Education College and we were walked all around the campus to get to the rooms where the event was being held. It felt like miles, probably because I was tottering along in a pair of kick-ass high heeled boots which are SOOOO cool but which, sadly, I cannot walk very far in. And after standing up for nearly an hour my feet were killing me. So much for looking cool and gorgeous. I just wanted my comfy shoes and a sit down!

I met the so-called celebrity presenter, someone called Lucy Meacock. Never heard of the woman personally, but I have it on good authority that she's been seen in Sainsburys buying beer so she can't be all that bad. She reads the news I think, on a channel I don't watch. She seemed nice, if a little short. She asked me what I'd been nominated for and even managed to look interested in my reply.

I posed for photographs with her and the College Principal, smiled a lot and enjoyed the fact that complete strangers appeared to know who I was. I felt semi-important for a few brief moments and it was quite a nice feeling.

There was even food laid on. You know that fancy, finger food stuff that you're never quit sure what exactly it is that you're eating? It looked quite innocuous so I decided that to quell my grumbling stomach I'd have a couple of things. First item I picked up LOOKED like a mini sausage wrapped in bacon. I thought I'd be safe with that. WRONG. Rather bizarrely, it turned out to be a date.... wrapped in bacon! Maybe it's me. Maybe that's some sort of weird delicacy that has passed me by. But dates wrapped in bacon are not good eating. If I could have spat it out without being seen, I would have! Yuk, yuk, yuk.

Second strange item was a blob of something brown, soft and squashy looking on a small biscuit. It looked like brown butter and tasted like nothing I've ever eaten before. To date i still don't know what it was. I'm guessing it was mushroom-based but who knows? Obviously, Beloved Husband didn't eat anything. He doesn't trust food unless you can clearly see what the contents are. Well, apart from spam. Spam, which is made of god only knows what, minced up together, he will eat. He's a strange one sometimes.

The presentation took place in the auditorium/theatre and to my horror I was seated in the very front row, while my Guests had to go up to the peasant seating further back. OMG. Right at the front. Surrounded by the other award winners and starting to wish I hadn't had the large glass of orange juice before we sat down.

Miss Lucy talked a bit about her career and all the things I've never seen her in, and everyone dutifully clapped for her. Then they started calling us out, one by one and we had to walk from our seat, allll the way up onto the stage, to receive our award. Eeeep!

And when i say award, I'm not kidding. I received a certificate, a rather large, dead fancy-pants silver trophy engraved with my name AND a cheque for £50!! Pretty impressive considering I was fully expecting a book token and a bit of paper with my name on it.

I was pretty nervous at having to go up on stage in front of everyone, and even more nervous that I was going to skid on the shiny floor, or trip over my shirt and go flying up the steps. I made a point of walking VERRRY slowly and thank GOD, managed to get there and back without falling on my arse. Imagine the utter humiliation of falling over in front of everyone! OMG I'd have died.

Anyway, I had taken the digital camera, but of course the stupid thing wasn't charged up, so not many photos were taken of the actual 'event'. Here's one my boss took. The dark blurry mass you can see is me. The blonde one is Miss Lucy. You'll have to squint and use your imagination as to what I really looked like! Now I know why we never let Kath use the camera at work. Still, it's better than nothing I suppose.

I shall be trying to get hold of the 'official' photos as you might actually be able to see me properly in those. Would be nice to see myself NOT look like I'm about to be beamed onto the Starship Enterprise, like in this one.

So all in all a very enjoyable evening. A

nd how did we celebrate afterwards?

Why we came home of course. I changed back into my comfortable jeans and t shirt and we sat on the sofa and ate chicken kebab & chips washed down with beer.

You can't say I don't lead the highlife!!

The Devil Wears Prada

2007-12-02T17:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I went shopping in Chester. This was a VERY bad idea. A Saturday 4 weeks before Christmas? What was I thinking? It was absolutely heaving with people and me and lots of people are not a good mixture. I get intensely irritated by idiots who dither around, stop dead right in front of me, run into the back of my leg with their devil-contraption Double Buggies or who fanny around in shops, generally getting in my way.

I'm not a patient person. I know this. But seriously, I'm sure they go out of their way to wind me up. Everywhere I went yesterday there were people with walking sticks. And they were all trying to trip me up with them! GAH. It was a nightmare. It must've been a special day for the people with bad legs. They were everywhere!

The only reason I went into town in the first place was to find myself a kick-ass outfit to wear for this Award Ceremony thing on Tuesday. So dragged my poor sister, who really doesn't DO shopping, all round M&S, searching for the perfect outfit. I didn't want anything TOO fancy, or slutty, but then again, nothing too 'worky' either. I walked around and around, aimlessly picking up things, putting them down and then getting annoyed with myself for being so indecisive.

I eventually settled on a gorgeous black & silver skirt and a rather nifty little black jumper (see pics) with hook & eyes down the front. But OMG how expensive??! I couldn't believe it - the first top I tried on was £79. £79 for a jumper!!! I was stunned. Was it made of spun gold or something?? Unbelievable.

As you can see, I have very good taste, but even I had to wonder whether the things I bought were REALLY worth that much money. And the only reason I was able to afford them at all is because I found some vouchers secreted away that I'd forgotten about!

It would also be good if I could look as good as the model when I put them on.... but I guess we can't have everything can we?! I know I will FEEL as sexy as she looks but the reality will no doubt be somewhat different. Especially as I'll have to wear boots, with heels. And that means I'm bound to trip over or twist my ankle on my way up to the stage and make a complete arse of myself. *SIGH*

No, I must not think negative thoughts. I WILL look hot. I will NOT embarrass myself. And I WILL make my way serenely to the stage and receive my award with grace and dignity.

Yeah RIGHT.

Please god, don't let it be a shiny floor or I'll be doomed :(

A short post....

2007-11-30T18:55:00.000-08:00

….. ok not something I do very often, but this really amused me. You think that pair of socks you got for your birthday from Great Aunt Nora was a crap present? Wait til you hear this.

The husband of a friend recentlyreceived from his Mother-in-Law possibly THE worst birthday present in the history of birthday presents.

She bought him (wait for it) a 5 litre bottle of WATER………!!! Yes water. The stuff that comes free out of the tap. She is known for her bizarre choice of gifts but this does push the boat out.

Apparently, she bought water ‘because he doesn’t drink coke’…… a 6 pack of coke being the gift of choice that she usually buys for her son!

And I thought MY family were weird.

Conversations with a 2 year old

2007-11-30T14:45:00.000-08:00

I had a really interesting conversation this week with Charlie. Charlie is 2 years old next week and has possibly the wildest hair I’ve ever seen on a child. It sticks out in every conceivable direction and refuses to lay down whatever you stick on it.

It’s not a great secret that I don’t really DO kids. But I’ve known Charlie since he was a few months old and I’ve got used to him. He makes me laugh. His mum has been bringing him to the Centre every week and I’m sure he think of this place as his second home. He comes in and makes himself at home, and always makes a point of having a chat with me.

Anyway, today’s conversation went a little like this:

Me: Hello Charlie – I like your hat. Is that Thomas the Tank Engine?

Charlie: Yeeeaaaaaahhhhhhhh

Me (looking impressed): Oh you look VERY smart – you need that hat on – it’s cold outside.

Charlie points at the door, grins a dribbly grin, slaps a sticky hand to his forehead and peers at me over the top of my protective barrier, erm, desk. He can barely see over the top but always come over and stands on tip toes to talk to me.

Me: Can you show me the train on the wall there? *points to selection of pictures on notice board*

Charlie: *toddle toddle* Ummmmmmm-babble-babble-weeeeeee *points at picture of trainset*

Me (looking even more impressed): Yes, that’s the train! Good boy!

Charlie then squealed an incredibly LOUD high-pitched noise and started pulling all the pictures off the wall and bringing them to me one by one.

Me: Oh thank you Charlie – now can you put some of these back for me?

Charlie: Yep Oooohwwwwwwwweeeeeee gurgle-dadadaDADADAAAAAA

Me: Riiiight, yeah I had one of those once but the wheels fell off

Charlie then went to the carousel with leaflets and started spinning it around really fast and selecting all the green coloured leaflets to give to me

At this point I was mildly amused and thinking ‘if my friends could see me now’. I like Charlie. Charlie is a cute kid. He’s going to grow up into a nice little boy because he has nice parents and nice people bringing him up.

By rights, I should be looking at him and longing for a small person of my own, just the same. I keep waiting for the maternal instincts to kick in, but I'm guessing that seriously, it's not gonna happen. Maybe I'm just weird?

All I know is, from the youngest age, I've just known that I don't want kids. Nothing wrong with them, nothing against, they're just not for me. So mostly when I look at Charlie and his little chums, I’m thinking of ways to keep the snot away from my trousers and thanking god or whoever that I don’t have an ankle-biter of my own to look after!! Cos it's bloody hard work.

I have the utmost respect of anyone who enters parenthood. I really don’t know how you do it. It all looks so HARD!

We have The Evil Duo, and that’s bad enough. The cats think I am their mummy. They follow me around and cry and puke inappropriately. They annoy me if they get bored. Their ‘Daddy’ hasn’t fed them for weeks and hasn’t cleaned the litter tray out in over 3 years!!! What chance would a child have???!! It would be a totally one-sided undertaking and one I am SO not ready to try out.

So I stay selfishly child-free and happy and will content myself with chasing round after The Evil Duo, watching Disney films, and having the occasional gibberish conversation with Charlie and his little friends. It's as much as I can do.

More Christmas Musings...

2007-11-30T10:43:00.000-08:00

Well, don’t I feel all good and virtuous? Me, the self-confessed Christmas Grinch, spent last night with my sister, wrapping up Christmas presents. I know, I know, it’s shocking. It isn’t even December yet and here I am getting all organised. So what if we only did 8 things between us before losing the will to live? It’s the thought that counts.

I was talked into this historical event by my sister, who is possibly the WORST present-wrapper in the world. If I don’t help her out, god only knows what kind of amorphous wrapping we could all expect on Christmas morning. She doesn’t so much WRAP things, as mash the paper into a screwed-up heap and then tape it down quick before it has time to move! But this is not her fault. She is a second child and left handed. Say no more.

Anyway, we’ve always shared our wrapping duties. We’re a double act and it’s kind of a tradition. When we lived at home with our parents, we’d spend hours barricaded in my bedroom, sitting crossed legged on the floor and surrounded by piles of bags, boxes, wrapping paper, labels and sticky tape. Much giggling would ensue. And not forgetting the music. You’ve got to have music to wrap by… something loud and rocky preferably. I seem to remember The Beach Boys and Queen featuring quite frequently during my formative years.

One of us would always purchase a ridiculously shaped item that was impossible to wrap nicely, and that despite careful planning, still ended up looking like something a 4 year old had done. There too would always be the piece of paper you carefully selected, and then cut just ever so slightly too small for the present, only to be discovered AFTER you’d half wrapped it – this would then require a specially cut out piece of paper taped not-so-discreetly on the bottom and then about 4 metres of tape to secure it! Ah the memories.

Another tradition is my total inability to cut the paper in a straight line. This causes much hilarity on Wrapping Days. I think I must have been blessed with really short arms or something because I get about halfway along the roll with my scissors and suddenly can’t reach. The midway point is always where things start to go wrong….. I either veer off to the left (or right, I’m not fussy), or think I’m being clever and start to cheat by sliding the blades along quickly in a ‘slicing’ action. This works for approx 2 seconds and then starts juddering and chopping great big chunks out of the paper!

One of us ALWAYS loses the pen as well. We write a label. Attach it to the present. Put the pen down. It vanishes. We’ve got through more pens that way than anything else put together!

Obviously, with years of experience under out belts, some things have changed. We no longer sit cross-legged on the floor. Both now being home owners we have graduated to sitting at a TABLE and spreading all the crap out around us. This year I even went mad and bought posh paper. Fancy black stuff from M&S with holographic gold Christmas trees on AND with matching labels. Unfortunately, I didn’t reckon on it being so shiny that when we switched the light on, I was partially blinded by the sparkle! Plus expensive paper seems to equal not-much paper. I wrapped two presents and the roll was dead. So I had to resort to using the inferior stuff that kept tearing.

One good thing though, it had grid lines on the back, so even me with my retarded cutting skills, could manage to get the edges almost-straight! RESULT.

I might not have made much headway, but at least I’ve started. I don’t feel quite so panic-stricken that the holidays are only 4 weeks away, and with the aid of my beloved Internet, I’ll soon have an array of carefully chosen gifts dropping through the door, just waiting to be wrapped.

After we’d finished, I sat back and looked at the modest pile of goodies and felt that strange little feeling again. I started to feel a bit Christmassy! OH MY GOD. What’s happening to me??! It’s only a matter of time til the decorations go up and my living room turns into santa’s grotto with fairy lights on every available surface… and we all know what THAT means - more Tales of the Evil Duo.

Last year they systematically ate their way through the light bulbs on the string of fairy lights going up the stairs. They must’ve eaten at least half a dozen, amazingly without electrocuting themselves. Another favourite game was hooking various shiny baubles off the Christmas Tree and then kicking them round the room in a game of cat football, ending only when one of the idiots posted said bauble under the sofa…. I can hardly wait to see what awful feline crimes this festive season brings!!

A very nice surprise

2007-11-25T17:20:00.000-08:00

Hey, guess what? I've been nominated for an award! I know... it's pretty amazing isn't it? I've never been nominated for ANYTHING before (apart from Most Likely to get Drunk and Disorderly) and I'm very excited.

Came home from work on Friday night, to discover a letter waiting for me. I thought 'great, what's that? It's bound to be something boring'. When I opened it, I found a letter from the local Adult Ed college. I've just recently completed an NVQ qualification in Business Administration. I didn't want to do it, but work made me. Apparently, I needed it prove that I could do my job. Meh.

So I did this silly NVQ, under sufferance, and it took me less than a year. I actually quite enjoyed doing it as it happens. Gave my brain something to focus on for a change.

Turns out that my Tutor had nominated me for the Nicola Sinacola Award for Excellence in Administration as she was really impressed by work. Either that, or everyone else was really crap and I was the best of a bad bunc. Either way, the upshot is that I have this award. Totally out of the blue. Talk about shock!

And there is a Presentation Ceremony on 4th December. There will be a 'celebrity' - some woman I've never heard of, from Granada TV, who will be presenting the awards. I have to be there early for 'photographs' and then the actual event.

OMG was my first thought. 'What the hell am I going to wear?'!!! It's not every day you go to a ceremony and I want to look my best. Panic, panic. I think I'll look on the DarkAngel website and see if they have any of their very lovely close in the sale...... hmmm what do you mean a corsetted gown is a little over the top??! Heathens.

I realise this is not a big deal to most people, but I'm really excited... and pleased with myself. It's nice to be recognised as doing a good job. And I can't wait to show my boss and say 'see? I'm not a total waste of space after all'.

Someone thinks I'm excellent.... YAY me!!

Overheard Conversations

2007-11-25T15:39:00.000-08:00

Wooo! I'm a blog roll today aren't I?!

This a short one. Just some random conversations i heard during the week.

Heard on the bus one morning. Two girls, in the Vicki Pollard mould:

Teenage Girl A: Did you know she's had her baby? It's a girl.
Teenage Girl B: Nah i didn't - what's she called it?
Teenage Girl A: Jackson - as in Michael
Teenage Girl B: That's a bit common though ain't it?
Teenage Girl A: Yeah, but she's spelling it JaXson... with an X
Teenage Girl B: (without even a hint of irony) ooooh now that's classy

CLASSY? Jesus H Christ! It sounds like a toilet cleaning fluid!!!! These people should not be allowed to breed.

Second, overheard in the gym on Friday. Two women discussing their menfolk.

"He's ok but just once I'd like am orgasm I didn't have to do myself"

Oh how I chuckled!!! Poor woman.

The Morning After....

2007-11-25T12:00:00.000-08:00

Ok so technically it's the afternoon, but who cares? Last night I got drunk. Staggeringly, room spinningly drunk. And the thing is, I didn't even KNOW I was drunk until i got home. Whereupon I realised that i couldn't co-ordinate my feet properly, or even get the key in the front door. This took 3 attempts and much giggling.

Beloved Husband and I had been out with our very good friends Debbie & Chris and had had a very pleasant evening of chat, laughter, good food and wine. And therein lies my downfall. I should NOT drink wine. It does very bad things to me. It makes me behave very badly. Yet still I drink it.

I only had 4 glasses. Ok so they were quite large glasses. And I suppose when you add that up, it comes to a whole bottle (and a bit). Yeah, that'll be the problem then. Something else I realised: I'm a binge drinker!! I don't drink at all during the week but come the weekend.....

I vaguely remember getting on the laptop and crashing out some crap in the form of an email although what i said and to whom remains a mystery. Probably best that I don't remember! I then went upstairs and thought about getting undressed. This proved more difficult that expected. Note to self: don't wear high heeled boots and hold up stockings on next drunken night out.

The boots refused to come off and the stockings, designed to be sexy, just looked ridiculous after I'd wobbled round on one foot trying to remove them. After this, I staggered into Beloved Husband, who was logged into SL. I remember trying to steal the keyboard from him, as I wanted to say hello to my friends. The word 'type' is slightly exaggerated. Smashing at the keyboard with my fists would be more accurate.

After this I was unceremoniously told to 'get to bed you drunken bum' as I was being very annoying and couldn't stop giggling. I believe I was naked at the time too. *sighhhh*

So to bed I went. The room was spinning nicely but I was SO tired I just had to sleeeeep. I woke up at 6 am feeling like death. Had a drink and went back to sleep for another few hours. When I eventually dragged my weary body out of bed it was gone 10.00 am. How decadent!

I still feel like death and it's nearly 4 pm.

I should probably be doing something, but strangely I lack the motivation. I think I'll just sit here and rest my eyes for a minute...... zzzz

A Week in the Life

2007-11-17T04:49:00.000-08:00

It’s been one of those weeks this week. To start with, I had Monday off work so then spent the rest of the week confused as to what day it was. It’s also been FREEZING cold – the first real cold weather of this winter - and it made me grumpy because I had to dig out my scarf and gloves and because idiot people kept leaving the door open at work, obviously in attempt to turn me into a popsicle. Blah. I HATE being cold. And I hate the dark, winter evenings. I think I suffer with SAD because I get really miserable if I don’t see sunlight for a few days. I need one of those funny little lamp things, shining pretend sunshine down on me! Hmmm maybe if I didn't sit in the world's smallest office that might be possible.

So apart from the usual crap of work and life, nothing very earth-shattering has happened. Which is why I’ve not blogged every day like I was meant to do. Oops bad me. Of course, there have been a few little things that stuck in my head and either made me giggle or bang my head on the desk with frustration. It wouldn’t be my life if that didn’t happen! And as it seems to be Awards season, I thought I’d jump on the band wagon and hand out a few of my own.

Most Confusing Conversation – this goes to the salesman I spoke with in the BathStore on Monday. I was with the Parentals and sister for a start, so we must have looked like a Special Care family outing when we all trooped through the door. Anyway, I wanted some advice about a new bathroom. A simple request you would think. But no. I found this young boy who looked about 15, and proudly presented him with my not-to-scale drawing of said bathroom. He tutted a lot, punched some numbers into his calculator and then proceeded to baffle me with descriptions of about a million different types of bathroom tap and shower head attachments. He knew his stuff, I’ll give him that, but did he really have to trail me around the showroom, pointing out every flat-top, flip-headed flange and spray attachment? It’s a BATH. I just want a tap to turn the water off and on. How hard can it be?! I was so confused in the end I was considering just using a bucket of water and a hose pipe in the back garden! GAH.

Jobsworth Award for the most pointless activity – this one goes to the man I saw on Tuesday morning, blowing leaves from the pavement into the road. It’s November. There are LOTS of leaves. Everywhere. So please explain to me why he was stomping up and down, on a main road, with a leaf-blower. As I stood waiting for my bus, I had to fight the urge to point on the fruitlessness of his activity! He blew the leaves. 2 mins later a car drove down the road – et voila – the leaves were back on the pavement!! And he didn’t seem to care. He just kept walking up and down, blowing the leaves and humming to himself. I was so tempted to suggest that maybe if he actually SUCKED the leaves up into the bag attached to his machine, they might you know, stay off the pavement for 10 seconds??! An absolutely unbelievable waste of time and man power. And I'm guessing not much job satisfaction.

Most Amusing Story – this goes to Marie, a girl I know at the gym I go to. She was regaling us with an amusing story about those personal safety rape alarm thingies. I’ve never really seen the point of those but she actually made me cry laughing when she said some guy had approached her once, naked from the waist down (as you do), and had tried to grab her. Being an ingenious girl, she grabbed her attack alarm, and instead of pulling the pin, she punched him in the face with it! She said it was so very funny to watch him trying to hold his nose whilst running away, especially as he tripped over his pants, which were around his ankles, as he legged it! Apparently, he stopped to pull them up and that’s when she pulled the pin out, threw it at him and whacked him in the back of head with the shrieking alarm! I’m guessing he’ll think twice about exposing himself to anyone again. And she looks so sweet and innocent too.

Most Painful Moment - when I attempted to pick up a cat who didn't want to picked up and received a 'pat on the nose' for my trouble. I now have a lovely red scratch down the right side of my nose which is really sore and considering the things cats grub around in, will probably go all septic and gooey. I might even DIE. Ok so maybe a little dramatic, but it hurt like hell!

Funniest Text Message - received from Beloved Husband yesterday: "you're an Admin Assistant not a bloody Womble" in relation to stupid me volunteering to go into work on Saturday to help with a clean up campaign in the local park. I laughed for hours.

Most Incomprehensible Instruction - from the instruction leaflet for the fancy new external media player (amusingly called ICY box). This sentence is under the section Playing & Stop Playing:

"This machine according to the contents of saving data area, show the menu provides a customer choice.

Press play/pause key can transfer between the state of playing and pausing.
Pressing ENTER key or PLAY can start playing from the high and bright place position.
Use numerical key to choose movie/song/picture directly, appreciate.
Stop broadcasting.
Press STOP key for the first time, the machine gets into stop-playing, the OSD's display stopping, press PLAY key then can continue to play from stopping time point.
Press STOP key again, the machine gets into stop state, pressing PLAY key to then get into play in turn.

Got that? Good. Now can someone tell me how the hell to turn the thing on?

Musings about Christmas

2007-11-12T02:36:00.000-08:00

It's a sad state of affairs. I've been off work for a couple of days as my parents have been visiting from 'darn Sarf' (or from the South East of England for those not au fait with 'Southern' speak). I thought I was BOUND to have loads to write in my blog, but you know what? Not a thing amusing or ridiculous has happened and I am fed up! I was relying on my parental visit to bring some entertainment. But no. *sigh*

Other than the stress of having to deal with extra people in my very small house, and worrying whether the Evil Duo would present them with a delightful gift of bodily waste, worrying whether The Parents were bored or whether Beloved Husband was skulking upstairs more than usual, the weekend has gone very smoothly. I am in total shock! Even the cats have behaved (well, apart from another weeing incident in the kitchen which I'm not even going to DISCUSS).

So I've been trying to find something that happened that is worthy of a blogging, and the only thing I could find was the fact that I have actually started my Christmas shopping and it's only the second week of November. I am scaring myself at how organised I'm being AND I've had a couple of really good ideas for presents. It's a miracle!

We went to a local garden centre yesterday, which of course was crammed to the rafters with suitably glitzty christmas bells, balls and candles. Oh and lights. Lets not forget lights. There were lights of all colours and sizes, in a variety of different styles. And try as I might to ignore them and be a grown up, I couldn't do it. I was reduced to a squealing, giggling girl, pointing to stuff and trying to work out just how many more sets of lights I could reasonably GET into the lounge before I blew all the fuses in the neighbourhood.

You see, although I moan about Christmas, and how much I HATE the way it's turned into this commercial nightmare, I can't quite squash the little part of me that still gets excited by the sparkliness. I love sparkle, and tinsel and fairy lights. I love glitter and all things traditionally Christmas.

Basically, I am still a big kid and I LOVE the lights and the decorations and the whole idea of Christmas. I long for an old fashioned, traditional Christmas - my ideal Christmas would by something like A Christmas Carol - complete with ghosts and of course, a turkey so big it would have taken Bob Cratchett about 2 weeks to cook it. Sadly, these days the IDEA of Christmas is about as much as I can take. The reality is usually a massive - and expensive - disappointment.

Some things I dislike about it: the way it's rammed down our throats from the end of August, the way everything is so expensive and that no-one ever knows what they want!

Another of my pet hates are people who put their decorations up really early - I've already seen my first Christmas tree in someone's house - it went up the day after Halloween! And even worse are the chavs who leave their nasty, tacky decorations up on the outside of the house ALL YEAR ROUND. GAH! I mean, where is the fun in that? It's not like they're going to have a fancy 'switching on' ceremony or anything. It just takes all the fun out of it. And it looks really, really shit.

So I wandered happily around amongst all the glittery baubles and Santa's swinging on stuff, and strange black christmas trees with an assortment of weird and wonderful looking things stuck to the branches and I felt the tinniest glimmer of something. It shocked me. I think it might have been Christmas spirit!

Hold that thought and fast forward about 4 weeks - I wonder if I can nurture the flame, and keep feeling festive right up to the big day? Will I still be feeling benevolent and excited when it comes to queuing up for ages in a highstreet store, with about 500 other frantic people to purchase something that will probably just sit in a cupboard for 6 months and then be given away to a charity shop? I'm guessing not.

I have a lot of vitrues but patience isn't top of my list! I HATE Christmas shopping. Hate. With a passion. So I'll be doing as much of my shopping as I can online, to avoid the necessity of actually having to go out into the world. Because the world just before Christmas isn't a very pleasant place in my opinion. It's full of harassed looking parents, pushing snotty, screaming kids around in buggies; it's full of queuing and over priced goods - and frankly I hate it. Goodwill to all man? I don't think so.

So consider this your first BAH HUMBUG of 2007. I'll be celebrating Christmas my own way - in my head where it's safe and sparkly and everyone has to wear glitter and drink Snowballs and eat tinned ham and pickled red cabbage.

Anyone want to join me? You don't even have to get me a present. Just a satsuma, a bag of walnuts and Terry's Chocolate Orange and i'll let you in for free.

The Perils of TV Dinners

2007-11-06T09:58:00.001-08:00

Ok, here’s the thing. We DO have a table and chairs in our house, and it has even been known for us to sit, like civilised people, and eat our meals there. Of course, you do run the risk of getting a cat in your plate, or at the very least, cat hair, but even so, sometimes it’s nice to act like grown ups and pretend to be like NORMAL people.

However, I am ashamed to admit that the majority of meals that Beloved Husband and I share, take place in our knee, in front of the tv. I’m not proud of this fact, but most nights it’s just too much effort to move the few feet into the kitchen. So we are official couch potatoes.

This was the case on Sunday. After a hard day of not doing very much (although I DID purchase a new baking tray – see previous post for details), we were both hungry and irritable but couldn’t agree on what to eat. There was a lot of cupboard opening, hurumphing and stomping around (him) not mention whining and demands for ‘chips’ (me). After realising that we had a cupboard full of food but nothing to make a meal with, we eventually decided that pasta was our best bet.

So 20 mins later we are sitting with said pasta and tasty reconstituted pig-bit balls, on the sofa watching some god awful programme about cars. Ooh my favourite. Not. I like programmes about cars almost as much as I like programmes involving men and any kind of ball activity, ie not at all. Anyway, we started to bicker over what to watch, which ended up in a tug of war with the remote control. It was mildly amusing at this point.

Beloved Husband, being so big and manly strong *cough cough* managed to wrestle the remote from me – ok well actually I let go – and the resulting jolt shot the entire plate of very hot pasta and meatballs straight into his lap! BINGO! Being the good little wifelet that I am, immediately burst out laughing. Apparently, this was not the appropriate reaction…. But I just couldn’t help myself, it was so funny! He was sat there with pasta and tomatoe sauce dribbling between his legs and all down the side of the sofa and all I could do was laugh. To say he was not amused would be an understatement!

Of course I sprang into action almost immediately to assist with the clean up operation, but I was seriously struggling to stop giggling. Even now when I think about it, it makes me grin. I think it was the fact that we just scraped most of it up and plopped it back on the plate. I mean, there was no point in wasting good food was there?!

It’s not really newsworthy but it did make me laugh. All I can say is that it was a good job he was clothed at the time or the whole situation would have been a WHOLE lot more painful.

The incident made me wonder if I truly am a horrible person, because try as I might, whenever anything like this happens to someone, I always find it funny! If someone falls over, I laugh. What is about other people’s misfortune that amuses me so much?! I think it’s always that burst of relief that it has happened to someone else, sparing you the embarrassment of looking like a complete idiot. I’d expect no less than the same reaction from any of my friends and family if it happened to me, so maybe we are ALL just inherently evil? Answers on a postcard.

Crimes & Misdimeanours

2007-11-03T10:25:00.000-07:00

Did I mention my cats are evil?

The other day Beloved Husband was awoken at 6 am by a very loud crash coming from the kitchen area. He went to investigate to discover that the Evil Duo, whilst wrestling on the kitchen work surface, had managed to knock over the mug tree and smash 3 bone china mugs into about 4,000 pieces.

In his semi-conscious state he managed to wrangle the beasts out into the garden (I believe the term he used was 'by the f****** head), but not without stepping on a piece of broken china and then walking bloody footprints all over the floor. Nice.

That was bad enough. But this morning they surpassed themselves. I went into the kitchen, all bleary eyed and discovered to my horror (but not surprise, really) that one of them had used my roasting tray as a lavatory!! Yes, there was a puddle of wee in the tray I use for roasting my potatoes. How delightful.

I suppose it's my own fault for leaving the tray out, but O M G how gross is that??!

I shall be going out tomorrow to buy a new tray and possible a new pet. I've always liked rabbits.

Going out....

2007-11-02T13:40:00.000-07:00

Why is it that when you’re in a hurry everything goes wrong? Is it like karma or something? If it is, I must have been a really horrible person in a previous life. Last night I was due to go out with some friends to a concert. We were going to see The Proclaimers, at the Liverpool Philharmonic.

To start with, the tickets were jinxed. There were meant to be 4 of us going, but Beloved Husband couldn’t come as his work patterns meant he was away. So I had this spare ticket to see a fantastic group. I thought it would be easy to find someone else to go. But no! I tried everyone, and no-one wanted it. One person said they would come, and then the day before backed out. I offered it to my sister – free of charge – and she blew me off totally (miserable cow!) saying they weren’t really her thing. I mean, come ON. It’s FREE. Just take the ticket!

Then I offered to Favourite Little Brother, who although excited and keen, had to work late and couldn’t make it. *sigh* So I was left partnerless. Not that I mind going on my own, but it just seemed such a waste of a perfectly good seat. But the saga continues. I had exactly an hour and a half to get home from work, washed, changed, fed and back out again.

The first thing that happened was that the train was late. Not majorly late but 5 mins which when yr on a tight schedule, is not good. At this point I would just like to say how BIG fire engines are. I know this because as I was walking from the train station to home, two very shiny red fire engines came hurtling up the road straight for me! You know how when yr in a car, and you see one, you try to get out of the way really quick? Well believe me, it’s far worse when your on foot. I literally had to fling myself into someone’s hedge to avoid being splattered all over the pavement. And so much for fireman being noble and brave. I could see them laughing at me as I floundered in privet!

I should also point out that Walkers Lane (note the name!) is a very narrow road, so having two fire trucks wedged in it meant I couldn’t get past, therefore could not get home, changed, fed, OUT! I cursed the fact that someone chose this particular moment in time to burn down their house. I needed to get home! I stood around huffing and glaring for a few mins and in the end had to ask one of them (I swear to god, Fire Engines are like the TARDIS – they opened the door about 15 Fireman piled out! Where DO they all sit??!) if they could possibly move a bit so I could get passed.

In the end they did move, but it was very reluctantly. Normally I would like nothing more than to be trapped in a hedge by a hunky Fireman (sorry, Fire PERSON) but this was really not a good time. I eventually get home to be greeted by the Evil Duo, doing their usual wailing. Threw down some food for them and went upstairs to get changed.

After 5 mins of peace, the wrestling started. My neighbours must think we have 12 cats, the noise that comes out of them. They were chasing each other up and down the stairs, hissing and spitting and taking it in turns to jump up against the wall doing back flips and pulling at the carpet. This is quite common behaviour. I was halfway through putting on my ‘going out’ face, when I heard a strange gurgling noise on the landing. I twitched a bit, as strange gurgling noises tend to end badly. I was right to be concerned Out on the landing I find that one of the pair had rather charmingly, thrown up all over the carpet. A perfectly neat pile of cat sick. She was standing there looking at it as if to say ‘where the hell did THAT come from?’.

After shouting and swearing and threatening violence, I then had to clean up the vomit, clean the carpet and carry on getting ready. Fine. Not a problem. I can multi-task. I found something quick to eat, chucked it in the microwave and got myself sorted. By this time the Evil Duo had been banished to the garden before I ended up killing them. I just managed to eat and clear up with about 10 mins until pick up time. It was then that I happened to look under the coffee table. And guess what I saw? Another pile of cat sick. Yay cats. They really know how to make a good job of it.

So I’m there, in my coat, looking all gorgeous and ready to go, wearing yellow rubber gloves and wielding kitten roll and anti-bacterial wipes, trying to scrap this dollop of disgusting cat sick from the carpet before my friends arrived. Of course, the position it was in meant that I had to practically lay on the floor to reach it. They don’t do it in easy to reach places. Oh no that would be far too easy.

The language coming out of me at that point was decidedly un-ladylike. I just managed to get cleared up as my friends arrived and we so we set off for Liverpool with me regaling them with lovely sicky stories. How they must love me. The journey to Liverpool takes about 25 mins normally, except on this occasion every idiot seemed to be out on the road and in our way!

We also got a little bit lost. The Navigator denies liability saying that map she had was ‘crap’ and that being shouted at really didn’t help…. It was tense for a while, especially when we took the wrong turning and had to go all the way around the block and back. Ended up driving around for ages trying to find the right street and then when we DID find it, there was nowhere to park so we had to walk miles back down the road. Typical. Take a deep breath……in with love, out with hate……

We did actually make it to the theatre in one piece AND in time for a drink before the show started, which was a minor miracle. The seats we had were excellent, with a really good view of the stage. And having the spare seat meant we all had somewhere to put our coats and bags!

The support act, who, frankly, nobody really wanted to see, turned out to be pretty good. An excellent 5 piece rock band called Unkle Bob. Think they’ve had a song featured in CSI and another in Grey’s Anatomy and their stuff seems pretty cool. I always feel sorry for the support act. It must be a nightmare going out on stage when you just KNOW the whole audience are thinking ‘just hurry up so we can see the people we PAID to see’. Hehe. Anyway, Unkle Bob rocked and I was pleased that the audience reacted well to them. I will be purchasing their CD soon! I did get the giggles at one point when I realised that the drummer looked exactly like Where’s Wally? I pointed this out to my friend and the pair of us just fell about laughing. Don’t think the man behind me shared the joke as he kept tutting loudly.

The Proclaimers, in case you didn’t know, are Scottish. Very Scottish. With VERY broad accents! What was bizarre was that I could understand them perfectly when they were singing, but speaking, I didn’t have a clue what they were saying. Absolute jibberish. No-one seemed to care that much tho; the place was sold out (apart from one little seat next to me) and all they needed to do was show up and the crowd would have loved them.

The atmosphere was electric and the whole place just went absolutely mental when they started playing. A few times it was so loud I thought the roof was going to come off! They aren’t what you’d call attractive these boys, but they can certainly sing. Absolutely amazing voices! And they harmonize together so well. It gave me shivers a few times they were so good. They have almost the same voice, just at a slightly different pitch and have so much energy and passion you can’t help but love them. I know they don’t sound anything like them, but they kind of remind me of the Everley Brothers. It’s that same effortless way of singing and perfect harmonies that gives you goose-bumps.

I always find concerts are a good opportunity to people watch. And there were some very interesting people at this show! We were sat upstairs, but had a panoramic view of the stalls and all around. The audience was largely made up of men in the over 40 age group. I’m guessing that’ll be cos the boys don’t look like male models! If they were a pair of hotties I reckon it would’ve been different. Anyway, lots of balding men of a certain age, wearing a variety of sad looking Proclaimers T shirts. Whatever happened to people dressing up to go out? This lot looked like they had just got out of bed! I’d say that hadn’t brushed their hair either, but then as most of them were bald, that hardly mattered.

So I was people watching. It’s funny seeing how people react to live music. You get the ones who bounce up and down in their seats, clapping and arm waving from the get go. And then you get the ones who are too cool too clap, or even show that they’re enjoying themselves. They really bug me. I mean, you’ve paid money for a show, at least you can do is look like you’re having a good time! And it’s so rude too. These people are up there working their guts out for you and all you can do is sit there are look miserable? I just don’t get it. Of course, you also get the ones who fall asleep and that REALLY irritates me. Talk about insulting to the artist! Yeah your music is SO good I fell asleep. Hmm great advert. Not. I think the man at the end of our row was in a coma at one point. He must have been because the crowd were making so much noise I have no idea how he could have been asleep, unless he was profoundly deaf, which begs the question, what was he doing at a music concert in the first place?!

I laughed a lot at the guy in the front row who was obviously having a fantastic time. He was up dancing on near enough the first song, punching the air, swaying, whistling and shouting, and bouncing around so hard I thought at one point he was going to topple over the railing and go crowd surfing in the stalls. And then there was the guy wearing a ginger wig complete with tartan cap sewn onto it. That was really classy.

Another thing that really irks me at shows is how come I always end up sitting next to the numpty who can’t clap in time to the music?? Without fail, I ALWAYS get them! This time it was a woman. She had absolutely no rhythm at all and was constantly clapping opposite everyone else. It’s really distracting! I mean, come on, it’s not hard is it? Music has an obvious beat, and if you can’t get that, at least watch the people on stage and pick it up from the way they’re clapping. But no. She sat there for the entire show, quite happily clapping at a totally different time to everyone else! How I didn’t jab her in the wind pipe I don’t know.

So The Proclaimers – an unqualified success – a group who have written some fantastic songs over the years, with really powerful lyrics and meaning. I wondered just how much it really bugs them that the songs that everyone loves them for is ‘the one that’s in Shrek’ or ‘the one with Lou & Andy in’!! Then again, I’m sure as they count their piles of money, that the last thing on their mind.

So that was my evening. A really fun night with my friends, with good music, lots of giggling and great music. We were all on a high on the way home and laughed a lot. Laughing is great and we don’t do nearly enough of it. I was still laughing to myself when I got home, fed the Evil Duo and tucked them up for the night. It was then that I ventured into the back bedroom to check my emails….. and noticed what they’d left for me on the new WHITE duvet cover. Yet another pile of sick!!! FANTASTIC.

Remind me again why I’ve got cats????

A Blog about Blogging

2007-11-02T13:35:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or does writing a blog kinda of take over your life? Ever since I decided to start one, I’ve been obsessing about what I was going to find to write about and whether anyone would actually READ it. As far as I know, only 2 people have seen it so far, and one of them was Beloved Husband who only did so out of duty! I obviously need to email ALL my friends and insist that they check it out and then write glowing comments. That would make me feel so much better about wasting a whole day at work drafting it out!

Anyway, I’ve spent hours at work pondering what to write. I even thought about jotting down notes so I didn’t forget things that had come to me during the day! In short, I think I’m turning into an Blog Anorak.

I’ve never seen the appeal of Trainspotting or Bird Watching but give me a computer and access to the internet and I’m as mentally challenged as the guy who stands and wets himself with excitement over a sighting of the black-headed sand dipper. I can spend HOURS doing nothing in particular. FaceBook is a great way to waste 3 or 4 hours poking people or playing Scrabble, or downloading silly little applications to amuse yourself with. And of course there is Second Life. Now that really IS a time wasting activity and definitely a story for another time!

And I can see that blogging is going to be up there with them both very soon. I sometimes think there are just too many thoughts in my head and how great it would be if I had Dumbledore’s Pensieve to chuck the surplus ones into. (If you don’t read Harry Potter you won’t have a clue what that is, but tough – read the books – they’re great!!).

It seems to me that this blogging lark is a bit like a Penseive. You can throw all your random thoughts into and leave them there for others to view. It tickles me, as Rich Palmer would say, and appeals to my sense of the slightly odd. I heard someone say once that people who obsess about stuff like that have a mild form of autism. Looking at it, I can totally see where that comes from! I think I need to refer myself for a psych evaluation soooooon.

Anyway. The Blog. So far it’s turning out quite well. I’m enjoying writing it and even if nobody reads it, it’s still fun and a good way to unwind. A bit like a diary or confessional only without the X Rated parts and the Hail Mary’s…. If I put those in as well there wouldn’t be room for anyone else to have a go!!

The Egg Incident

2007-10-31T16:20:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had what can only be described as an egg 'incident'. Said incident involved The Evil Duo. The Evil Duo are my two very, very naughty cats. They are 3 years old and still behave like 10 week old kittens. Which means they do stuff. Horrible stuff. On purpose.

They climb the curtains. They chew stuff. They scratch stuff. They dribble on stuff. The puke on stuff. They kill stuff, eat it and THEN puke on stuff. In short they are HORRIBLE!!

For our sins, Beloved Husband and I purchased two Burmese cross kittens 3 years ago. They looked cute and fluffy in the pictures. They ARE cute and fluffy and very affectionate, but under that soft, furry layer, beats the heart of a true beast.

Anyway, the eggs.... well I came home from work last night to find that my friend from work had delivered a dozen eggs for me and left them by the front door. Only I didn't SEE the eggs at first because it was dark. And because The Evil Duo were catterwauling and running around between my legs, begging me to let them into the house. They do this every night. As I'm trying to open the front door, they are both there, scrambling over each other in an attempt to gain the upper hand and get in the house first, therefore getting to the FOOD first.

So I rummage for my keys, open the door and notice there is some cardboard to be recycled. Collect said cardboard, turn around, trip straight over The Evil Duo, step backwards to avoid falling flat on my face........ and CRUNCH...... trod straight in the box of eggs.

Out of 12 eggs, only 5 survived. The others were stuck to the bottom of my boot and slowly dripping all over the floor. I stood there, with my left foot covered in the slippery, snot-like egg mixture, cursing the little buggers who, I swear, were laughing at me.......

Once I removed my foot and stopped muttering curses, I then had to get the soggy box and squashed eggs to the dustbin without trailing it everywhere. Easier said than done. Squashed egg goes a LONG way. It was all down my legs, all over my hands.... everywhere.

And to top it off, when I had finally scraped the goo into the bin and rescued the non-squashed eggs, I came back to the front door to find The Evil Duo EATING the mucky egg mixture from the floor! Ewwwww.

Strangely, I wasn't surprised. I've seen them eat far more disgusting things. I'm sure I will post about that sometime soon!

Speaking of which I can hear them howling now so I'd better go and let them in...... *sigh*

I really SHOULD have had a rabbit......

Welcome to Bloggsville

2007-10-31T15:39:00.001-07:00

Ok so, here I am. I’m blogging. Which, for the uninitiated, basically means putting my random thoughts down electronically for other people (whoever they may be!) to read. It’s a bit like keeping a diary I guess, although I gave that up when I was 12 and stopped worrying about which one of the Kids from Fame I most wanted to be like.

Anyway, blogging. Some of my friends do it, and up until now, I’ve resisted the urge to join rank and file. It’s been years since I wrote anything down, but in the past I have been told I have a way with words and have always quite liked the idea of writing stuff that makes someone laugh. And I don’t mean I’m the worlds best comedienne. I’m not. I’m rubbish. I always forget the punch line of jokes and just sound ridiculous if I DO try to tell one.

What I mean is that I like to talk about stuff that has happened, or that I’ve seen going around me but from my own unique perspective. I have a kind of skewed view of the world which sometimes makes for an amusing vision! And yeah, I might make people laugh, but that’s usually because I’ve said or done something completely ridiculous. Beloved Husband laughs at me all the time – apparently, living with me ‘is like living with an idiot’. I’m informed he means that affectionately!

I sometimes think I see the world differently to other people. I sort of live in this little bubble; it’s nice in my bubble. Bad things don’t happen. There aren’t people blowing each other up, or terrorising old ladies, or politicians spouting crap to anyone who’ll vote for them. There are lots of things in there with me, but none of them are really ‘normal’. I don’t conform and I don’t like things just because other people do. I like to discover things for myself and can be quite possessive about them. That’s not to say I’m a crazy, Care in the Community kind of person (well not much)…. I’m just different, and proud to be so!

So here I am. Writing down some of the random and completely pointless things that pop into my head. I’ll try not to ramble TOO much, but then as I don’t hold out much hope that anyone other than Beloved Husband and possibly Favourite Little Brother reading it, I guess that doesn’t really matter much!

Anyway, today is Halloween and working where I do, in a Children’s Centre, I’ve seen a whole new side to it although I have to say, I don’t really ‘get’ the whole Halloween concept. Also, at this point, I should probably point out that for those of you that don’t know, that I don’t really DO kids; I don’t like them much. I find them unpredictable, annoyingly small and generally sticky. Oh and they smell.

Not that I hate ALL children. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t. I just have no wish to have one of my own. The world REALLY isn’t ready for my progeny. Trust me. My friends, between them, have managed to produce some rather nice ones, that I do find amusingly cute, but then again I kind of have to say that don’t I?!

Anyway, me and kids just don’t mix. We get along fine if they stay behind the safety of my desk, but god forbid I should actually have to deal with them, or worse, TOUCH them! GAH!

But I digress. Halloween. As a country, the UK never really celebrated it much until about 10 years ago. That’s when I first noticed tat creeping into the shops at the end of August. I blame our American cousins for that. Thanks guys! When I was kid, there was none of this Trick or Treat rubbish; no-one dressed up in ridiculous costumes and went banging on neighbours’ doors asking for sweets, or worse, FRUIT. The really posh families may have had a party, complete with dunking apples and carved pumpkins but there most certainly wasn’t any fake blood or plastic vampire teeth!

Now, I’ve got nothing against vampires. Or witches. Or ghosts for that matter. In fact, I love ALL supernatural creatures. I love spooky stuff and find the occult fascinating. I have books about witchcraft, about magical creatures and would love to celebrate Samhain, the old pagan festival. But I STILL don’t get Halloween. What is FOR? What do kids get out of it, other than a dose of hyperactivity brought on by all the E Numbers in the crappy sweets they get given?? And everything is so expensive! £3 for a box of 4 little chocolate covered corn flake blobs, renamed as ‘Spooky Nests’. Talk about a rip off! It all seems so fake and over the top. Like people can’t have fun anymore unless they’ve spent X amount of money on buying up shed loads of useless novelty items, to compete with Fred Bloggs down the road.

So today, I sat in my cosy little hutch, which I am convinced is much less than the 11 cubic feet of space the H&S man says we should have, and watched as an array of under 5s happily bounced around our reception area. There were several green faced witches with hats, a couple of cats, a skeleton, an incredibly unbalanced walking pumpkin, some ghosts and bizarrely, a Fireman. The kids were having a GREAT time. They were swinging on things and no doubt dribbling and leaving sticky remains on every surface they touched. The parents just looked bemused and/or frazzled at varying intervals. None of our families are well off. Our Centre is in a pretty deprived area where the staple diet for a 2 year old consists of sausage rolls and baked beans. None of that 5-a-day nonsense. But every one of these kids came in sporting something shiny and Halloweeny. I dread to think how much they paid out just so little Keaton could come in dressed as a monster. It’s wrong, wrong I tell you!

Anyway, for some reason unbeknownst to me, kids love me. I don’t know why. Perhaps they sense in me some weakness, the same way animals do. Cats will always make a beeline for someone who doesn’t like them. And I find it’s the same with children. They flock to me. I’m like the bloody Pied Piper! And today, because Halloween seems to do weird things to people, today was even worse. Today every, snot-nosed, sticky-handed 3 year old came deliberately over to me, slammed down their Halloween creation (a digestive biscuit covered in orange goo and sprinkles, and in some cases green poster paint) on my desk and made me admire their handiwork!

I could hear all my colleagues pissing themselves laughing in the back office. They understand my child phobia and find it highly amusing when something like this happens. At one point I ventured out of my Hutch, to get a drink, and was immediately surrounded by a gang of tacky Pumpkin-clad toddlers. It was terrifying! I had to be rescued before I was sucked down and smothered.

This ordeal carried on all day. Every time a new child came in for the Nursery, they would come over to me, twirl around and I had to make some inane comment about the size of their plastic nose, or how nice their pointy hat was. And the really scary thing is, I actually started to enjoy it! I found myself joining in with the madness, and laughing at the little darlings as they squealed and ran around the Centre like banshees. It was fun and nice. The kids were enjoying themselves. Some of them even looked quite cute. But I couldn’t help but wonder how much each parent had spent on the costumes, and on the sweets they’ll provide for the OTHER excited little witches and wizards later on tonight.

So even though I had a slight change of heart, and oohed and ahhed and little Lucy dressed as that red devil, I still find something quite distasteful about the whole concept of Halloween and how the big stores have turned everything into a commercial consumer nightmare.

I sometimes wish I could travel back in time; actually, I wish that a lot but probably not as much as Beloved Husband who would dearly LOVE to live in the 1970s! I probably wouldn't go quite as far back as the dinosaurs (although THAT would be very cool) but just far enough back to notice that people were nicer and that not everything came packaged and processed and stamped with a little Made in a Chinese Sweatshop for 2p sticker on it.

Oh and don't even get me STARTED on Christmas!!